Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Appearances vs. Realities

I've been dealing with appearances vs. reality a lot lately. I'm thinking that reason is to learn to be more real to myself. I have a dear and trusted friend from a very wealthy family, we have been inseparable for 7 years, we trust each other to a fault and rely on each other to help get us through the rough spots in life. He is the only person in my life who has seen the good, bad and the ugly parts of who I am, he loves me despite myself. Through out our relationship, there has been much opposition to our closeness. The problem here lays in gender issues, I am female, he is male, in some peoples minds, we certainly must be sleeping together. Sounds like a hot topic for a "Soap Opera". The way things look from the natural eye, could be interpreted this way.
Our story began as small children in the church our families both attended. Me a "Flaming red head", he, a "Shy doe headed boy" we were all of about 5 and 6 years old. Our fathers were leaders of our small community although my family was not wealthy by any means yet, "appeared" to be. Our parents, respected each other and I always felt welcomed into his family"s home. His mother invited me over and used to cook the most delicious meals and I always felt loved at her home. One of my most favorite memories of eating at their house was the omelet that she made for me, it was simple yet, I had never had anything like it in my life. It consisted of Swiss cheese and alfalfa sprouts, I approach it with much suspicion for at my house this was not a typical meal at all, we ate Cheddar cheese and I had never even heard of the sprout thing and they kind of looked like worms with a green tip. She consoled my worried mind and urged me to take a taste in the very sweetest way. I did and wasn't sorry, to this day it is still my most favorite omelet ever. Appearances once again, vs. reality. As we grew older, he remained painfully shy, never uttering a word in Sunday School, always looking at the floor never making eye contact with anyone. As we reached teenage years, I developed a crush on him, although he tells me now, how ugly he thought he was as a child, he was actually a very beautiful young man, just very quiet. I feel much sadness at thought, he knew not his own beauty. I, on other hand was quite out spoken and sure of myself. As we emerged into high school years, his parents sent him to a boarding school far-far away, so as not to have him be polluted by the common man, for his own protection. We moved on to separate lives. My father died when I was 16 years old in a car accident, which changed my whole life in a mere moment, from seemingly wealthy to a mere working girl, cock tailing drinks for men at a Supper Club by night and by day a student in high school. The Red head went from "riches to rags", from being catered too, to catering. The "Appearance" of being wealthy, gone in a flash.
As he moved through life, it took him to Colorado, where he attended college and did pretty badly at it, there he discovered drugs, girlfriends among other things and just kind of flunked out. One day on campus, he was approach by a religious group, in robed garb, telling him of a different kind of life he could be leading, full of hope for the hopeless, and a future for the lost," A Ticket to Heaven" would be the end result, only if he followed all the rules. He was "Special" and "Chosen". Off he went on the great adventure, his girlfriend told him if he left, he would never return, though he did not believe her. He packed very little, and took a feather blanket of hers to stay warm for the weekend, as she said, he never returned.
The Red head, being very sure of herself, afraid of nothing took a different path. When she was 17 years old, she met a fellow. Looking for security in life, after he father untimely death, he seemed to fit the bill. A handsome Italian young man, all of 17 although ,he lied about his age to her and represented himself as older. She told herself he was the "One"! Quick witted and charismatic, good looking to boot, yes, he fit the bill. Shortly after meeting him, she conquered him sexually, thinking this was love. How sad to have equated sex with love, it was the beginning for their life together, she thought he hung the "Moon". Shortly after meeting and dating, she realised that he had been seeing other girls at the same time, of course this hurt her deeply, after all he had, had sex with her. She decided to pursue him even more, to be better, sweeter, sexier than all the other girls, she followed him everywhere in adoration, overlooking all the signals that should tell a girl, she is not wanted or that"special". He even gave the disclaimer that he was not the "marrying type" but to her detriment she could not hear him. She convinced him they should move in together and they did, most of the time he never came home at night, she resolved it in her head that, he was a bartender they work late. She, herself was busy going to school and could overlook the lateness, she didn't want to upset the applecart and be alone again. "Abandonment" again may drive her over the edge, into the despair she felt when her father left so suddenly. She remembered how she was mad at God then, and jealous of girls who had fathers, she didn't want to go back to the empty feeling of having no love, so she would settle. It became apparent to her one evening in winter, when again she waited and he never came home, to get up out of bed to see if he were downstairs, maybe he was she hoped. As she traveled down the stairs, there were noises from the other bedroom, it must be the roommate and girl he picked up she thought...Hoped.... As she entered the living room there sat the room mate watching TV. She asked were he was, who was upstairs in the bedroom, the look on his face said it all, in a rage of hurt she opened the door to find two naked bodies, intertwined in passion, she screamed at the sight of unfaithfulness taking place in her very own home. The two unlocked the girl fled naked as fast as she could out the front door. Then of course there were real tears of sorrow from him and, a promise to never do it again.